Day 10 - During Which I Get Back In The Kitchen

There's a reason why McDonald's is so popular. Oh, I know what you're thinking, "Dave, McDonald's is really bad for you!" Yea, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about. I'm talking about popularity, like back in high school where there was that one girl, and that one guy, who were adored by all. Yea, it turned out that they were total douche bags, and likely are working at McDonald's serving up fries these days, but still, back then, everyone loved them.

McDonald's is pretty much the same thing, but it remains popular. Why? I mean after all, their products pretty much suck, and everyone knows it, right?

Well, that's why they're so popular. Because their product sucks, and everyone knows it. I mean EVERYONE.

Now normally that would lead to a company loosing market share, but it works for McDonald's because they have such brand recognition and everyone has eaten their product at some point in time, and likely still does. Listen here: people lie about McDonald's. They will tell you they don't eat there, but literally everyone does.

I do this exercise with my students where I ask them how many have eaten McDonald's in the last month and out of a room of 40 students, maybe 5 will raise their hands. So then I say, "Let's do this like in the third grade. Everyone put their heads down on the desk, don't look, and you don't even have to raise your hand way up. Just make a slight gesture such that I can notice it. Now, how many people have eaten at McDonald's in the last month?" This time there will only be about 2 or 3 who don't raise their hands. (Those people are vegetarians.) This is what's called Social Conformity Bias. That's when people tell you they do one thing, but really do another, because they're embarrassed about what they actually do. If you think it's not a real thing, you only have to look at Brexit, the FARC vote, or the recent U.S. election of the World's largest Cheeto. People will lie to you about things they're ashamed of, and from what I've seen, almost everyone is ashamed of eating at McDonald's.

So why do they do?

Well, the reason is simple: the burger sucks. It's bad. You know it's bad, but you also know exactly how bad it is. It's all about expectations, and when you're hungry you don't care nearly as much that it is bad, so much as that it is not worse than you expect it to be. McDonald's serves up pure, unadulterated, disappointment, and in doing so, they never fail to meet, or exceed, expectations. Seriously, if you go to McDonald's, and order a burger, and it's not bad, you'll be surprised, and feel like they did a great job. They set the bar so low, that they can't fail to meet it. That is an amazing business model.

Also, it's cheap. REALLY cheap. A Bacon Cheddar McChicken gives you 480 calories/$1. That's some serious bang for your buck.

Anyway, why am I writing about McDonald's? To illustrate the problem with salads. They're stupidly expensive. Those Subway salads I ate, are pretty much just a pile of chopped iceberg lettuce with some spinach, and a few other things, and they run me about $7.50 each.

For Salad #10, I decided to do it up and make a really delicious salad. Let's take a look at the elements:




What we've got there is charred Belgian endive, roasted cauliflower, miso broth, aged gruyere, blistered tomatoes, sautéed mushrooms, toasted pistachios, and caramelized onion. How much did that all cost? $38.50! Now, in fairness, I have left over pistachios and miso, so let's just remove those two wholesale from the equation... $22.50.

With that food I was able to serve my wife and myself, one salad each, and I had left over mushrooms, gruyere, and endive, which I turned into a snack later. That's it. Two salads, and snack. $22.50!

Oh, I can hear you ranting now, "But Dave, you picked really expensive ingredients." Yea, I know, but come on, $10/each for a salad? That's fucking ridiculous, and even if I did choose fancy ingredients which cost more, let's be honest and at least admit that $10 for a salad is fucking insanity.

Do you have any idea how much food I can produce with $22.50? Oh My God!!! Rice and beans just to start with. Fuck! I could feed my family for a week on $22.50, so I'm comfortable with the fact that I spent a lot on expensive ingredients, but damn!

This is what the finished product looked like:



By the way, it was really good, but I swear if there was one thing I didn't think of when I committed to eating salads for a year, it was cost. I figured I'd be saving money, and I know I can, but the haters are ravage me if I do.

See, if I crank out cheap ass iceberg salads I'll get, "Iceberg doesn't have any nutritional value," but if I role with expensive lettuces, like Belgian endive, I'll get crap for that too. I think I'm just gonna have to move on from the haters and do my own thing... And it's going to need to be cheaper.

So, the next time I get in the kitchen, you're gonna be looking at something along the lines of a roasted root vegetable salad... A rice and beans salad, Louisiana style, with andouille sausage just to really mess with your brain. Curried kale salad with purple cauliflower steak. Ancient grain "risotto" salad with marinated tofu. Seriously, I'll do it.

Which one of those ideas would you like to see? Tell me in the comments section here on the blog, and I'll add it to the roster. Let's get weird.

Day 9 - Wherein I Troll The Haters.

Oh what a reaction I've gotten in regards to the Subway salads. I mean, I know some people are just razzing me, and that's cool, I really don't mind. Mainly because if people yank my chain then I've got something to write about.

So, you know, I figured I'd head back on over and gets myself another... Here it is:



That's the chicken, bacon, ranch, sub made into a chopped salad, with spinach, black olives, banana peppers, cukes, and of course, ranch dressing. It was a pretty serious salad, and I actually didn't finish it. I wanted to troll the haters, but in the end, I trolled myself. It only took three, but I'm already bored of the Subway salad, and let me tell you, I was previously rather excited. I do a lot of work right across the street from Subway, and it's very easy to walk over there, but there are not a lot of vegetable options, nor is much of a selection when it comes to dressings. They are kind of boring, but they're easy, and easy goes a long way because making salad yourself is a total pain in the ass.

I'll get to that in detail in the next post.

Until then, which will be in about 30 mins, peace out!

Day 8 - Where I Just Eat a Dumb Salad

There's not much to say about this salad, other than it sucked. Let's take a look, shall we?

Here it is:



There's nothing special about it, and I'm sure people who like salads might actually enjoy it. It's just some mixed greens, with my standard balsamic vinaigrette, a little crumbled bacon, and a chopped hard cooked egg.

The egg is of particular interest, as you'll note that the yolk is a vivid, dark, yellow, indicating that it is VERY fresh. How fresh? Like our awesome across the street neighbor dropped it off the day before from her very own chickens. So, yea, didn't suck. In fact, it was pretty much the only redeeming thing about this salad, and that's saying a lot when you consider that there's bacon on their.

I know it's shocking to hear me say something negative about bacon, but this was low sodium bacon, and it just didn't have much flavor at all.

There is a thing about this salad that matters though: I ate it at about eight at night, when I would normally be getting into a round of fatty, later night snacks. There was a conscious decision to forego my usual treats, and eat a salad. Yep, it's small. It probably didn't have more than 150 calories to it... But that's what I ate instead of a pile of cheese and Triscuits. That's a good choice.

Also, after I ate all the dumb lettuce, I did enjoy the egg, bacon, and dressing, at the bottom of the bowl.

Day 7 - Where I Make it a Week, and the Haters Hate.

I knew the second I stepped through the door of the Subway, with plans to order one of their subs turned into a salad, that as soon as I posted the photo the haters would come out of the woodwork. It absolutly blows my mind that everyone has an opinion, and the first thing they're going to go for is to put you down for your choices, no matter that the choice you're making is a good one.

But first, let's start with the good news: I made it through an entire week of my New Year's Resolution. I mean seriously, what percentage of other fat Americans can say that? We, the fat fucks that we are, have no will power, and lest there be any confusion, fat is actually addictive. You can read about it right here at Scientific American, and you know it's got to be true, because the magazine has the word "Scientific" right there in its name!

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/addicted-to-fat-eating/

That's how science works folks. Just like art, if you say it is, then it is, and Scientific American says they're science, so we can trust this article's veracity to the end of time. That doesn't matter to me anyway, as I don't need no stinking science to tell me what I already know. I'm like George W. Bush on this score... I know it in my gut. Literarily. I can take a look at my gut and know damn well I've been eating too much fat, and yet I still want it the same way a junkie wants the needle. So, I made it a week, and that's no small thing, and I'm sure that a very high percentage of other fat Americans can't make the same claim.

What did I have to honor this auspicious occasion? Another Subway salad of course! It's right across the street from the library, where I was again working on my dissertation, and since there was already hate on the first Subway salad, I was sure that a second would just rile up the haters, and if you haven't guessed by now, I love to stir the pot.

Here it is:



That is a turkey and guacamole chopped salad. Nothing special about it. Nothing wrong with it. It's a pile of greens and spinach, chopped with black olives, banana peppers, turkey, cucumbers, and topped with guacamole. That's number 7, representing a whole week of success, and I was sure that the roughly 100 people who read this blog every day were going to jump right on with a great big, "Good job Dave!" some ataboys, and healthy dose of pats on the back.

Who the fuck am I kidding? I knew there would be screams about Subway, and how their food is shit, and that I was picking bad salads, and sure enough they did. The Facebook post was riddled with condemnation of my choice, so again a little reminder of what I would have eaten. This isn't a culinary blog. This is a guy altering his choices. It's a blog about choices. If I went to any other local restaurant and ordered a chopped salad, where it came out on a nice plate, where a cook had fluffed it up to make it look pretty, these haters would have had nothing but positive things to say. Because it's in a plastic bowl though, and the woman who made it actively pushed it down so the lid would fit, I get hate. But what would I have eaten? Oh, for fuck's sake, I would have gone to town on a foot long meatball sub, with extra cheese, no vegetables, and I would have ordered it on the bread they have that's covered in more cheese. Instead, I ate mostly lettuce, skipped the soda in favor of a bottle of water, and enjoyed the every living shit out of the guacamole.

My big thing though, is this: What's to hate about that salad, and why on Earth would anyone care to attack me for that choice given that I'm a 300 pound lard ass? Is this salad not a good choice, given the available options? I think it is, and wonder why anyone would care to attack it.

What is it? It is just a salad. Nothing special. It's lettuce, spinach, banana peppers, cucumbers, avocado, tomatoes, and just a couple deli slices of turkey with some dressing. I even asked the lady making it to go a little light on the dressing. It's Caesar dressing, which is high in fat, but not the kind of fat I would have gotten from that giant meatball sub. Oh, did I mention that the chopped salads are made with the amount of meat that goes on a 6 inch sub? So, it's already half of what I would have eaten, less calories because the turkey is way leaner than the meatballs, with much, much, much, less cheese. It's mostly vegetables.

All my life people have said to me, "Dave, you need to eat more vegetables," "Your diet is really unhealthy," "You're going to die if you keep eating like that," and so I eat some vegetables, and I get, "You eat a lot of fast food salads." No I don't. I've eaten two!

That's a real post. I'm copying and pasting.

Here's another:

"Subway, and every crumb of food that has ever issued or will ever issue from any of its franchised locations, is depressing as hell."

Really? A salad is depressing? That one got some sub-thread comments of "Preach, brother," and "Amen." Seriously? That's salad #7, which represents an accomplishment. How about a "Wow man, you're really doing it. Good job!" But no... Hate on the salad.

The thing we need to get straight is this: I like fast food. I eat it all the time. I eat fancy French food all the time too. The same goes for Italian, Chinese, and the oh so precious New American... But still, I like fast food and I mean really like it! When I was younger I used to go to Wendy's with my friends and I'd order a Triple Bacon Cheeseburger, with Triple Bacon, Triple Cheese, Ketchup and Mayonnaise only. That was in the late 80's and early 90's when I could eat anything ant not get fat. In those days I was a competitive cyclist, rail thin, but with monstrous thighs, and had an appetite that couldn't be satiated. I needed those calories then, and even if need is a bit bold, I knew I'd burn them off. Sometimes we'd hop across the street to Krispy Kreme and order up a dozen glazed and eat them all in one sitting as a dessert. (Mind you, we only did that if the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign was on... We're not animals, after all. Even in those days we had high standards. I mean seriously, who eats them cold? Monsters! That's who!) I swear to God that Wendy's owes me money for that burger because it's on their menu now, and they call it the Baconator. Guess who loves that burger? This guy! I should, after all I invented it.

Wendy's says it looks like this:



But really, it looks like this:



The DailyBeast ranks it #1 on its list of the 40 Deadliest Fast Food Meals. That burger is 1330 calories, with 38 grams of saturated fat, 345 milligrams of cholesterol, and get this... 3150 milligrams of sodium! Holy shit!!! Add to that a big old cherry Coke - god I love cherry Coke! - and that thing is fucking deadly, but sure, hate on my salad.

If I slide into a Wendy's this afternoon - and I just might to make the point - and wouldn't order that. I'd probably order the Full Sized BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad, and oh how you readers would hate on that bad boy. It looks like this:



Well, that's how Wendy's says it looks, but in reality it's a pretty ugly mess of yuck, looking much more like this:



I mean honestly, I don't think I'd order it twice, but I'd order it one time just to yank some chains and rattle some cages. You know, that salad has 590 calories, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1340 milligrams of sodium. To be sure, it's not "good for you," but it's WAY better for you than a triple Baconator.

What's it add up to? With the cherry Coke, the burger lunch would shake out to 1630 calories. I don't really eat French fries unless they're really good, cooked in duck fat, and come with some insane house made aioli, but I like a little something fried on the side, so I would most likely also order a six piece chicken nuggets. Yea, I know, I know... it's fucking gross. But I didn't get to be this fat by making the right choices. So, with the nuggets, that's another 230 calories, and so much more fat and bad for you everything... Plus I like to have some sauce with my nuggets, usually two ranch dippers, at 200 calories each, bringing us to a grand total of: 2260 calories. That's what I normally call lunch. I would probably eat it by myself, or I might wrangle a friend into joining me by acting like this was a one off kind of thing that we were doing as a lark. "Hey man, did you hear Wendy's has a Truffle burger? Ha! Ha! Ha! We should try that out though, right? It'll be fun."

Normally though, I would sit at a particular table, by the front window, all by myself. I have a procedure. A process. A routine. I take the items off of the tray, because I want to feel fancy, you know... I unwrap the burger, and smooth out the paper so I can dump my nuggets beside the burger. I open up one of the ranch dippers, take the lid off the cherry Coke, because I'm fancy and don't use a straw, place a napkin in my lap, pull out my phone and look at Facebook or the news. Then, I start eating.

By myself.

Occasionally using the napkin to wipe the grease off the cell phone's screen.

And someone thinks my Subway salad was depressing. By the way, that salad? 392 calories, so you know, Bite Me!

Day 6 - Where I Discover Fast Food Salad

I'm going to keep this one VERY short because I've got a bunch of school work to do, and this is pretty simple. Subway, the sandwich fast food chain, will make any sub they offer into a chopped salad. I was working at the local library when I learned this, and there just happened to be be a Subway directly across the street, so I decided to check it out.

Here it is:



That what they call an Italian BMT sub, turned into a salad. It's pretty much an antipasto salad, as it contains Italian cold cuts like salami, mixed up with some black olives, banana peppers, and some cheese. I had it with Caesar dressing, and you know what? It was pretty good.

OK, let the haters come at me now with their bullshit about "Subway sucks..." I'm ready for you.

Day 5 - Wherein I Conform To Your Close-minded Definitions.

I didn't arrive where I am today by what one would call a direct route. I have wandered, swerved, taken the long way, and driven down more than my fair share of dead ends, but all of that is what makes me the guy I am today. This way of living has given me a different thought process than most people - after all, most people will choose the cubical and live and die in it. I'm a creative guy. I think out of the box - whatever the fuck that means. I like thinking about what things mean. I can write you a song, and sing the fuck out of it, on stage, with zero fear. See:



That's me, playing songs, on a stage with no fear.

I can make pretty food. See:



That's a pretty plate.

Hell, I can paint you a pretty painting. See:



That there is a pretty painting.

Sometimes when I'm getting serious about cooking I look like this:



That's me, looking serious.

And other times I look like this:



That pig has wings, and they flap if you pull a string.

The point is that the one thing you can count on from me is that I am likely to surprise you. That's not always a good thing, but sometimes it is, and when it is, it's a hell of a lot of fun. When it's not, well... Things tend to go sideways and people get hurt. That's why I have kind of polarizing personality where people either really like me, or really don't, and in the end I'm sorry when they don't, but being sorry is not the same thing as giving a fuck.

I do like to tease people though, and it's fun for me to get a rise, which I why one of the things I'm enjoying about this salad project is that I get to post pictures of crazy as things and ask if it's salad or not. Some people seem to get the joke, but others seem to really be either confused or actually mad at some of my suggestions.

I'll post a frittata and ask if it's salad. "Salad?" Folks don't always like it. Others think it's hilarious and point out that chopped egg and broccoli with some cheese could very easily fit the description of salad. And you've got to know I'm just straight up trolling you when I post this, and ask if it's salad:



That's my five year old's afternoon snack, or at least what's left of it, but you know, some people seem to take the suggestion seriously. But what if I made a salad of wheat berries with parmesan tuiles, and coupled it with pears - which were originally on the plate. Would that not be salad? So, perhaps my son's snacks can serve as inspiration for future salads, because there's a long way to go on this stupid project, and I'm going to get weirder and weirder.

You've been forewarned.

The weirdness will come, but today is not the day for it. I figured it might be a good idea to let you all know that I do, actually, know how to make a salad. Here it is:



That's a proper salad, and no one can argue that it isn't. That's mixed greens, sautéed mushrooms, shaved carrots, avocado, blue cheese powder, and my ass kicking, balsamic, soy, sesame, vinaigrette.

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it many more times in the coming year, hater's gonna hate. But they can't hate on that. You could put that sucker on any menu, anywhere, and it would stand up to muster by anyone's book. You might get some questions about the blue cheese powder, but it's easily explained. So, I will.

I buy smoked blue cheese - Moody Blue, to be exact - and I store it in the freezer. By the time you get to the end of a container there is just a frozen powder left, so that's what that is. Still, if I wanted to, I could make an actual blue cheese powder, and so could you. VERY easily. In fact it's one of the easiest of the so called "molecular" recipes. Want to impress your friends? Do this: go to Modernist Pantry - tell them I sent you, they're great people - and buy yourself some N-Zorbit-M. Don't be afraid, that's just a trade name. I don't know why they do that as it just scares the hell out of people when they use weird names, but all you're buying is maltodextrin. Still scared? That's just tapioca starch, but the food world likes crazy names. You've been eating this stuff for years. It's how we turn cheeses into powders to put on things like chips. Get it? You're gonna love it.

Don't be afraid of the weights. You're going to think, "What? Seven bucks for 50 grams???" But this stuff is VERY light. Like snow, in Colorado, in January, at the top of a 14,000 foot peak, light, and a little goes a long way. You buy it right here: http://www.modernistpantry.com/tapioca-maltodextrin.html

Start off easy with pure fat. Make some bacon, and save the grease, then put some of it in a bowl. Not much, like a tablespoon's worth. Then put some of the maltodextrin into the bowl and mix it around with the grease. Keep adding the powder until the stuff turns into a texture like sand, then add some more, and rub it between your hands. It will turn into a powder that when you put it on your tongue will instantly disappear leaving only the pure taste of bacon! How cool is that? You're a vegetarian? Use a really nice olive oil, and you'll get Olive Oil Powder! It's very fun.

So, to make blue cheese powder, start by melting some blue cheese powder in some cream. Once you've done that, repeat all the steps above, only this time with the blue cheese cream. At the end you'll have blue cheese powder.

OK then, I've made a salad which no one can refute as anything other than a salad. I ate it for lunch, and it was, OK, but we're all going to need to get on the same page if this is going to last the year. We're going to need to get weird together. We're going to need to think outside of the box, and push the envelope, and seek out synergistic alignments of non-traditional food pairings, or whatever the hell you want to call it.

Let's all try our best to think of what the good Dr. Hunter S. Thompson would do when put in a situation like this. No, I'm not saying we should cut up a box of grapefruits and pour a vial of LSD on them! I'm just sayin' that's the guy who said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

I'm a pro, and you're gonna get a full dose of that this year.

Day 4 - In Which I Make Myself a Fucking Salad!

If you've read the first post of this blog, you'll know that I like to toot my own horn about what an of so great chef I am, and it must make people just want to vomit when some guy goes on like that. Then after having said all that annoying shit, the blog delivers up three days in a row of questionable salads bought from restaurants. The truth is, one of the reasons for that is that I don't like making salads. I mean I don't even like salads, so it stands to reason that I wouldn't enjoy making them either. Still, when you're a chef you do have to make things, and come up with ideas, and keep things fresh, and you know, the same thing goes for being a husband... So I figured I'd make a salad that my wife would really enjoy, and then I'd share it with you folks so you can see what we eat at home, when we don't go out to eat. Which seems like all the time.

So, Salad #4



That's my kind of salad. It doesn't even have any worthless lettuce on it, so you know it's got to be good.

That bad boy right there is made with sautéed shaved Brussels sprouts, pan blistered heirloom tomatoes, alfalfa sprouts, marinated baby bella mushrooms, smoked blue cheese, flat iron steak, and a Balsamic, soy, sesame, vinaigrette.

Let's talk about it a bit, but not too long, because I don't have anything to wax philosophic on today, and after all, that's just a fucking salad. There's no so much we can say.

There is one thing: given that I don't like salad, and many other people don't like it either, this could perhaps turn into a good blog with ideas for people who don't like salad.

First of all, it's got meat on it, so you know it's going to be good. I used flat iron because it's what they had at the store, but what I really prefer is marinated outside skirt steak. This is the stuff that gets mostly used in fajitas, but it makes a good marinating and grilling or sautéing meat too. But they didn't have it so I bought the most over-rated flat iron because it had some good looking fat on it, and it was, just OK.

The other thing going on here is the marinated mushrooms. I marinated these in soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, garlic, red wine, salt, pepper, and a touch of smoked paprika. Then, I sauté them and add to the salad while they're still warm. They have a great meaty flavor that compliments the Brussels sprouts very nicely.

The heirloom tomatoes are small cherry tomato size and this time of year you don't get really good tomatoes, even if they are flown in from half way around the world, so I like to toss them in a screaming hot pan so they blister, and start to pop when the juices stream from the inside out. This results in the tomato being a touch sweeter, but the acid is still there, and nice against the richness of the meat.

Smoked blue cheese is just a gift from above - if you believe in that kind of thing - and I suggest putting it on everything. Hell, I'd eat my own stinky gym sneakers if you put enough smoked blue cheese on them. Seriously, the stuff's that good.

My dressing is pretty much the mushroom marinade, so let me tell you how to make it. There are no measurements to this dressing, and it will help you to understand how simple this shit really is. All these fucking cookbooks go on and on about the precise measurements, to the point where all the top chefs are not trotting out these books with the measurements in grams! Fucking grams people??!!! I mean, if the chef is from a metric system country then, sure, I get it, and of course almost all of them are, but when the chef is an American what they're telling you is, "I'm very precise in my measurements, and you should be too, otherwise your shoemaker and can't play at my level." What pretentious bullshit. Just cook the food Thomas, we are all already suitably impressed by your badassary.

Get a Tupperware container, or something that looks like it that has a good sealing lid. Put into the container some Balsamic vinegar, and some mustard, preferably who grain, or Dijon, but seriously if all you've got is French's Yellow Mustard, that's fine. Also, go buy some decent mustard for Christ's sake, you look like a country bumpkin who eats four hot dogs a day, and we're all judging you. Yes, judging you, and before you ask, "Who are you to judge me?" the answer is, "I'm fucking me!!! I'm no different than anyone else... " We're all judging people all day long. It's like my father always said when I got ready to do something really stupid, "People will talk." Oh I didn't care at the time, and I thought it was insane, but you know what I don't have any tattoos; there are no pictures of me wearing parachute pants; I don't have any piercings; and overall I've turned out just fine.

Of course, people still talk.

Anyway, after you put the vinegar and mustard into the container, add some sesame oil, soy sauce, minced garlic... Wait hang on... We need to talk about garlic.

You can totally buy the pre-minced shit in a jar at the store. Anyone who tells you otherwise can get bent! Yes, it's weaker than fresh garlic, so you know what? Just use more! It's fine, and it also has the added bonus of having liquid garlic juice you can pour into things to jack up the flavor. Seriously, that liquid that the garlic is in, is pure gold! We'd have to get deep into a science lesson to get to the bottom of it, but if you pour that shit into anything savory it will jack the flavor beyond comprehension. It's like MSG... Wait, it's not like MSG, it pretty much is. Which is to say it's packed full of glutamates. (Don't start with me an MSG... If you've got something bad to say, I promise there will be a blog post about it, and you will be made to look silly.)

So, the vinegar, mustard, sesame oil, soy sauce, garlic... How much of each? It doesn't matter. Do it to your taste, but I suggest using your noise rather than mouth because before the oil goes in, you're talking about a lot of vinegar.

So, this is the only ratio you need to know... 1:3 That's vinegar to oil. You can use olive oil, or whatever suits you, but you need a 1:3 ratio of vinegar to oil. That's 25% vinegar, 75% oil. How much of each depends on how big of a batch you want to make. So do that... Add the oil. Then put the lid on the container and shake the ever living shit out of it until it turns a light brown color. Then, salt and pepper to taste - this time you can use your mouth hole to taste it - and spoon it over your favorite salad, or whatever. It makes a great marinade too. Heck it's so good, you might even be able to get away with making a savory cocktail with it. If you do, let me know.

So that folks, is how you make a vinaigrette. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.