Try to picture that being said by Daniel Day Lewis. "There will be salad!"
It's a whole different thing coming out of that guy's pie hole, right?
Anyway, the point is that I'm not exactly the kind of guy who likes to stick to things that I don't like. You can ask almost anyone that knows me, if I don't like a thing, I'm just not going to fucking do it. This salad thing falls into the land of paradox on that score, because while I hate salads, I like being alive. The Salad Paradox is what this is. Yep, it's a scientific discovery. We'll call this whole wrongheaded and misguided walk down the road research. Maybe I can turn it into a degree?
Speaking of research, want to learn about something cool that is actually related to all this business? Behold ladies and gentleman, The Hedonic Treadmill! Well, there's not a picture to go with it, but it's a thing, and it has everything to do with why I like to eat the things I like to eat. It also has to do with why we buy cars, T.Vs. and well, anything, in an effort to keep up with the Jones'. It's also called Hedonic Adaptation, but I like the Treadmill part so I use that name and this is what it is: regardless of how good or a bad a thing is that happens to any one of us, in a short amount of time we will return to a relative level of happiness. Good things, bad things, big things, and little things, all push us and pull us towards joy and sorrow, but after a pretty short amount of time, we slide right back to where we normally are in terms of happiness. If you really want a new car, and you get one, you will be very happy about it for some period of time - that amount of time depends on the individual, but it's really not that long... like 10 days - and then we'll go back to how we felt before. Worse yet, you'll want a better car.
A few years ago I didn't give a shit about cars. I drove whatever. Sometimes I took out loans to buy decent cars, but I always bought used, because cars were not a thing I cared about in terms of my own self-identity. Sometimes I bought $1500 junkers because really, who cares, right? Just so long as it ran well and had four wheel drive, I was fine with whatever.
Then I saw the Ford Fusion, with the very cool Aston Martin looking grill, and I really wanted it. I mean just look at this thing:
That's a damn good looking car, and I really wanted it. So, you know, I bought it. I bought the "Titanium" spec, which means it's got all the bells and whistles. I had some students who were recently raving about all the things the new Testla cars can do, and as they were rattling them off I was thinking, "My car does all those thing..." Like? It has a thing called "Lane Keeping," and when you turn it on, a camera on the front of the car can see the lines on the road and if you start to go over a line it will steer itself back to the middle of the lane! Yea, it drives itself... Kind of. It gets mad if you take your hands off the wheel for too long. Yea, it knows when you've taken your hands off the wheel. It has adaptive cruise control and impact avoidance. So, if I set the cruise control, it knows if someone is going slower than me up ahead and slows down, and then speeds up when they're gone. If I come up on them too fast, it flashes a red light on the windshield and hits the breaks for me! It knows when it's raining and turns on the wipers; can see ahead and dims the brights so I don't have to think about that; it's got voice recognition so I can just tell it what I want it to do, and unlike my wife's Toyota, the voice recognition actually works. Here's the thing that blows my mind: it parks itself! There's a button you can push, and when you do, and if you're driving on a road with cars parked parallel to the road, it will use its radar to see when there's a big enough space to pull into. Then it tells you. Then... Then!!! Seriously... THEN... It pulls in for you! How fucking cool is that? You put the car in reverse, take your hands off the wheel, and let off the brake and it backs into the spot.
Honestly though, it's the grill that I care about. The other stuff is just gravy. Why? Because it looks so much like this grill.
Which is attached to this piece of, "Oh my god, I'm so full of want!"
Can you stand it??? Perhaps you're not into sedans, and want a coupe? OK, I get that. Folks, here's the Aston Martin Vanquish.
Just take a moment to admire that beautiful piece of British machinery.
See? The Hedonic Treadmill.
I don't care about cars. Never really have. I got the Fusion, and the next thing you know, I'm off on flights of fancy about how I want a fucking Aston Martin.
The Fusion cost $36,000. The Aston Martin Vanquish? $287,000!
Now, I don't come from the kind of family that buys cars, or things like cars, in the realm of extravagance. We're sensible people. My parents have a second home - which is sensible because unlike cars, homes appreciate, rather than depreciate - and at this second home they keep a third car, so they can fly to the second home and still have a car. My parents are not the richest people you've ever met, but they're comfortable, and if they wanted to they could splurge and buy something flashy, but they don't. They never have. It's not something they would ever do. The car they have at the second home is a Volkswagen Beatle. I think it's something like 10 years old now. They think it's fun - and it is - they like that it's easy to park - which it is - and I'm sure they've enjoyed that it's pretty low maintenance - which it has been. The point is, those are the people I come from. We don't buy Aston Martins because they're selfish. Why are they selfish? Because for the same kind of money you could buy a beach house, which will gain in value over time, and you can share with your family and friends, and bring enjoyment to others whilst not having thrown money away on a stupidly expensive car. See? Sensible. Don't talk to me about 2008, we think on 20 year time cycles.
Still, "Oh God, I want it so bad!!!!"
Which brings us to the question on everyone's mind: "What the fuck does this have to do with salad?"
Aston Martins, and for that matter any car, are a big purchase. These are things that fall into the realm of what economists refer to as "durable goods." Meaning they should last a long time and are a serious expenses. These are things that one does not buy lightly, but the Hedonic Treadmill - remember the Hedonic Treadmill? This is a post about the Hedonic Treadmill - is not just about big events. So, food is part of it. You know this, because Hedonic is coming from Hedonism, and we all know what that is.
Sure, we think of hedonism as sexual, but it's not. Well, it is, but it's not ONLY sexual. It's about pleasure and how we respond to it. For me food is a great pleasure. I've been called, particularly with regards to food, a bon vivant, so the impact of food on my life might be greater than it is on yours, so that issue of hedonic adaptation may play harder in my brain, but I think it's a thing.
I want MORE.
Most people want a steak. I want an A1 Kobe Steak. I want more cheese. I want more foie gras - don't judge me, the stories you've heard are wrong. They don't force feed them anymore, it's fine! While I'm having more in terms of upping the quality, I also want more quantity. Yes, I want three orders of the duck fat fries with house made aioli. I just want it all!
But, I didn't start out like this.
My hedonism has grown over time, and my wants and desires, and expectations have grown, to the point where very little satisfies. When it comes to food, I eat with gusto, and it is indeed a part of the very fabric of my self-identity, so when I had my salad today it was a gut punch to my personal reality.
It's not so much that I have a problem with the salad. It was tasty enough - particularly after I smothered that bad boy in blue cheese dressing - but I ate it at a pizza joint where I LOVE their pizza. They had meatball pizza by the slice today, which means I could have had it instantly. You know what I mean? When the pizza is already made, and they reheat it? When that happens I only want it just warmed up so I don't have to deal with the insufferable wait for it to cool from molten hot. (I mean, let's be honest, that's why we like pizza delivery so much, right? Because by the time it gets to us it's the exact right temperature to just nom nom nom that whole damn pie!)
So I passed on one of my favorites, and I ate this:
It was good enough, I suppose, but I wanted that meatball slice so bad. By the time I was done eating this, and I didn't finish it, I was just kind of holding the fork, dangling from my fingers like a man staring into the abyss.
I know I'm fighting with monsters. I know I've already become the monster. That salad though, and in particular that salad, is the abyss, and I can tell you friends, it stared back.
***Leave a comment if you picked up on the Alice's Restaurant reference.
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