So, I hope that serves to the settle the, "How full of shit is he," question that popped into your head after I made claims to operating at a very high level, and in doing so, positing the case that I am uniquely qualified to refute your intrinsic concepts of what is, and what is not, a salad.
To that end, let's talk about todays "salad."
Here it is in all it's glory...
Oh, I can hear you already. "Dave, that's not a salad. That's a cheese plate." Some of you might get all fancy and say, "Dave, that's charcuterie." Hell some of you may even know how to pronounce that word, but fuck that! That my friends, is a salad. Look closely there. See that green shit? That's frisee, which is a kind of chicory, which is a biter lettuce Sure, there's only a small amount, but it's not the only vegetable on the plate. That's right... Look closely and you'll see pickled carrots - the fancy tri-colored kind, with the tops on that let you know you're going to pay out the nose for this lunch - pickled cauliflower - what can I say, the fancy chefs are pickling everything these days, and frankly it's getting anoying AF, but it is what it is - and even some cornichon, which are fancy little pickles. There was another thing in there which I could not identify, nor could I chew it, which I think was some kind of really old turnip. (Hey, if I was trying to offload that on the post holiday lunch crowd I would have called it, "House Aged Gilfeather Turnip," so I get that the B-Team lunch cooks were trying to stick some garbage on my plate and call it food, but whatever, I digress.)
"But come on Dave, it's mostly meat, cheese, and bread..."
OK, that's fair, but let's talk about bread and salad. Ever hear of a panzanella salad? Here's a picture of one, just so we can all be on the same page.
That's a bread salad! It's MOSTLY bread. This thing is supposed to be made with capers, olives, tomatoes, basil, oil, good vinegar, fresh mozzarella cheese, and yea... bread! The fuckers who made the version in this picture just decided to skip out on most of the good stuff and make the thing with bread and some cherry tomatoes. That picture comes from a YouTube video, and they've got 171,000 hits! I've got a couple of YouTube videos of my band playing and the most we've got is a little over 300 hits, and we're not half bad. In relative comparison, we're a shit ton better than that pathetic excuse for a panzanella salad! Here's a link, you can judge for yourself. It's not a good video, and I look like a fool, but we rocked the hell out of that St. Paddy's Day show! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bARKEq67wM
There's room for interpretation here, is what I'm getting at, but let's look at from the other side. A side where I show you something very pretty, perfectly executed, and yet inexplicably named something that you wouldn't typically think it was... An antipasto salad.
Here's what you would normally think of...
This is the kind of thing that comes from a pizza joint, or a chain "Italian" restaurant, and it's got the usual suspects: rolled cold cuts, bad mozzarella, some olives, the requisite pepperoncini, a pile of lettuce, and some kind of dressing. You pick.
I recently worked on a project with a woman who I think might be the best chef in Vermont, and we did a wine dinner together. She put an antipasto salad on her menu as well, only it didn't look like that slop above. Here's her's.
It's beautiful. Simple. Very thoughtful in flavor pairings, and is not a pile of lettuce and meat. In fact, it's three small pieces of Vermont Smoke and Cure pepporoni, local heirloom tomatoes, very thin sliced local fontina, garden basil, flowers, and pickled peppers. (I told you about the pickling thing, right? She's good, but since she's in the thick of the whole what's hot now thing, she had to pickle everything in sight. I don't hold it against her. She's a bad ass!)
The thing about that salad is this: is it really an antipasto salad? I mean, there's not a lot of meat on there. Where are the cold cuts? In reality it could just as easily be called an heirloom tomato salad, and one could argue that would be more accurate of a description. But no, she called it antipasto, and antipasto it shall be, because why? Because fuck you is why! You get good enough to play at her level and you can argue about what she calls what, but until then you're just going to have to take it from the pros as to what's called what.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Now, back to today's lunch salad. It's got the meats, and enough vegetables to fit the description of an antipasto salad, so if you like, think of it that way. The ratio of bread might argue for it being a panzanella salad. So, if that suits you go for it. Indeed, it was menued as charcuterie, but I'm gonna call it a salad, because... I can. I've worked hard in the industry long enough that I can take these liberties, and also, because it being a salad, or not, is not the point.
The point is what I would have eaten. Remember that from the first post? Yea, I'm making choices that are about substituting one thing over another thing. Here are some of the things that I DIDN'T eat when I made the choice to eat the salad I ended up ordering...
Appetizers
French Fries with Bone Marrow Mayonnaise. Seriously!!! Come on! I didn't eat this today!
Au Gratin Potato Bites. Oh that seems simple enough, right? Did I mention the description included Foie Gras Mousseline and Black Truffles? Fuck! I'm dying here. I can't believe I didn't eat this.
Smoked Pig's Ears, with IPA Cheddar Fondue and Collard Greens. FONDUE!!!! I turned down cheese fondue. Don't read this and then hate on my interpretation of salad. No way!
Bone Marrow Poutine. Full Stop. I had salad. Don't judge me!
Scotch Quail Eggs. Look, do you even know what a Scotch Egg is? It's a hard cooked egg, wrapped in sausage, breaded, and deep fried. Can you stand how good that sounds??? If you've never had one, you're missing out on a huge part of what it means to be a human on this planet, and I didn't order them!
Those were just the appetizers. What pray tell might the entrees have included?
Well that had a burger with foie gras on it... Yea, they call it the Fancy Burger, and it comes with foie gras and truffle aioli. Someone may have ordered this burger today, but it wasn't me, and that's a serious accomplishment. Suck it haters!
Braised Pork Short Rib Gnocchi. Oh, that sounds pretty damn good, if I don't say so myself, but they just kept on going. The description included cured pork cheek and pork belly. That's three kinds of awesome swine in one dish, and have I mentioned how much I like eating pigs?
Smoked Maple Braised Duck Cassoulet! I mean come on people, it was made with wild boar bacon, one of my favorite things on Earth, and I DIDN'T EAT IT!!
Instead, I ate a salad. Sure, it might not be what you're accustomed to calling a salad, but names just words, and the culinary world is no longer ruled by the likes of Escoffier so it does as it pleases.
In relative comparison to the options put before me, I think I chose wisely, but you know, haters gonna hate.
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