But first, let's start with the good news: I made it through an entire week of my New Year's Resolution. I mean seriously, what percentage of other fat Americans can say that? We, the fat fucks that we are, have no will power, and lest there be any confusion, fat is actually addictive. You can read about it right here at Scientific American, and you know it's got to be true, because the magazine has the word "Scientific" right there in its name!
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/addicted-to-fat-eating/
That's how science works folks. Just like art, if you say it is, then it is, and Scientific American says they're science, so we can trust this article's veracity to the end of time. That doesn't matter to me anyway, as I don't need no stinking science to tell me what I already know. I'm like George W. Bush on this score... I know it in my gut. Literarily. I can take a look at my gut and know damn well I've been eating too much fat, and yet I still want it the same way a junkie wants the needle. So, I made it a week, and that's no small thing, and I'm sure that a very high percentage of other fat Americans can't make the same claim.
What did I have to honor this auspicious occasion? Another Subway salad of course! It's right across the street from the library, where I was again working on my dissertation, and since there was already hate on the first Subway salad, I was sure that a second would just rile up the haters, and if you haven't guessed by now, I love to stir the pot.
Here it is:
That is a turkey and guacamole chopped salad. Nothing special about it. Nothing wrong with it. It's a pile of greens and spinach, chopped with black olives, banana peppers, turkey, cucumbers, and topped with guacamole. That's number 7, representing a whole week of success, and I was sure that the roughly 100 people who read this blog every day were going to jump right on with a great big, "Good job Dave!" some ataboys, and healthy dose of pats on the back.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I knew there would be screams about Subway, and how their food is shit, and that I was picking bad salads, and sure enough they did. The Facebook post was riddled with condemnation of my choice, so again a little reminder of what I would have eaten. This isn't a culinary blog. This is a guy altering his choices. It's a blog about choices. If I went to any other local restaurant and ordered a chopped salad, where it came out on a nice plate, where a cook had fluffed it up to make it look pretty, these haters would have had nothing but positive things to say. Because it's in a plastic bowl though, and the woman who made it actively pushed it down so the lid would fit, I get hate. But what would I have eaten? Oh, for fuck's sake, I would have gone to town on a foot long meatball sub, with extra cheese, no vegetables, and I would have ordered it on the bread they have that's covered in more cheese. Instead, I ate mostly lettuce, skipped the soda in favor of a bottle of water, and enjoyed the every living shit out of the guacamole.
My big thing though, is this: What's to hate about that salad, and why on Earth would anyone care to attack me for that choice given that I'm a 300 pound lard ass? Is this salad not a good choice, given the available options? I think it is, and wonder why anyone would care to attack it.
What is it? It is just a salad. Nothing special. It's lettuce, spinach, banana peppers, cucumbers, avocado, tomatoes, and just a couple deli slices of turkey with some dressing. I even asked the lady making it to go a little light on the dressing. It's Caesar dressing, which is high in fat, but not the kind of fat I would have gotten from that giant meatball sub. Oh, did I mention that the chopped salads are made with the amount of meat that goes on a 6 inch sub? So, it's already half of what I would have eaten, less calories because the turkey is way leaner than the meatballs, with much, much, much, less cheese. It's mostly vegetables.
All my life people have said to me, "Dave, you need to eat more vegetables," "Your diet is really unhealthy," "You're going to die if you keep eating like that," and so I eat some vegetables, and I get, "You eat a lot of fast food salads." No I don't. I've eaten two!
That's a real post. I'm copying and pasting.
Here's another:
"Subway, and every crumb of food that has ever issued or will ever issue from any of its franchised locations, is depressing as hell."
Really? A salad is depressing? That one got some sub-thread comments of "Preach, brother," and "Amen." Seriously? That's salad #7, which represents an accomplishment. How about a "Wow man, you're really doing it. Good job!" But no... Hate on the salad.
The thing we need to get straight is this: I like fast food. I eat it all the time. I eat fancy French food all the time too. The same goes for Italian, Chinese, and the oh so precious New American... But still, I like fast food and I mean really like it! When I was younger I used to go to Wendy's with my friends and I'd order a Triple Bacon Cheeseburger, with Triple Bacon, Triple Cheese, Ketchup and Mayonnaise only. That was in the late 80's and early 90's when I could eat anything ant not get fat. In those days I was a competitive cyclist, rail thin, but with monstrous thighs, and had an appetite that couldn't be satiated. I needed those calories then, and even if need is a bit bold, I knew I'd burn them off. Sometimes we'd hop across the street to Krispy Kreme and order up a dozen glazed and eat them all in one sitting as a dessert. (Mind you, we only did that if the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign was on... We're not animals, after all. Even in those days we had high standards. I mean seriously, who eats them cold? Monsters! That's who!) I swear to God that Wendy's owes me money for that burger because it's on their menu now, and they call it the Baconator. Guess who loves that burger? This guy! I should, after all I invented it.
Wendy's says it looks like this:
But really, it looks like this:
The DailyBeast ranks it #1 on its list of the 40 Deadliest Fast Food Meals. That burger is 1330 calories, with 38 grams of saturated fat, 345 milligrams of cholesterol, and get this... 3150 milligrams of sodium! Holy shit!!! Add to that a big old cherry Coke - god I love cherry Coke! - and that thing is fucking deadly, but sure, hate on my salad.
If I slide into a Wendy's this afternoon - and I just might to make the point - and wouldn't order that. I'd probably order the Full Sized BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad, and oh how you readers would hate on that bad boy. It looks like this:
Well, that's how Wendy's says it looks, but in reality it's a pretty ugly mess of yuck, looking much more like this:
I mean honestly, I don't think I'd order it twice, but I'd order it one time just to yank some chains and rattle some cages. You know, that salad has 590 calories, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1340 milligrams of sodium. To be sure, it's not "good for you," but it's WAY better for you than a triple Baconator.
What's it add up to? With the cherry Coke, the burger lunch would shake out to 1630 calories. I don't really eat French fries unless they're really good, cooked in duck fat, and come with some insane house made aioli, but I like a little something fried on the side, so I would most likely also order a six piece chicken nuggets. Yea, I know, I know... it's fucking gross. But I didn't get to be this fat by making the right choices. So, with the nuggets, that's another 230 calories, and so much more fat and bad for you everything... Plus I like to have some sauce with my nuggets, usually two ranch dippers, at 200 calories each, bringing us to a grand total of: 2260 calories. That's what I normally call lunch. I would probably eat it by myself, or I might wrangle a friend into joining me by acting like this was a one off kind of thing that we were doing as a lark. "Hey man, did you hear Wendy's has a Truffle burger? Ha! Ha! Ha! We should try that out though, right? It'll be fun."
Normally though, I would sit at a particular table, by the front window, all by myself. I have a procedure. A process. A routine. I take the items off of the tray, because I want to feel fancy, you know... I unwrap the burger, and smooth out the paper so I can dump my nuggets beside the burger. I open up one of the ranch dippers, take the lid off the cherry Coke, because I'm fancy and don't use a straw, place a napkin in my lap, pull out my phone and look at Facebook or the news. Then, I start eating.
By myself.
Occasionally using the napkin to wipe the grease off the cell phone's screen.
And someone thinks my Subway salad was depressing. By the way, that salad? 392 calories, so you know, Bite Me!
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